It seems there's one of them in every neighborhood, the person who is referred to as "that neighbor."
I just read Kate's blog about hers -- she's being very civilized just going with wind chimes. I think I'd put out moose food and hope the bugger got trampled. What the heck, I'll fantasize about it for her. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp...
My that neighbor is on a pogrom against trees. One of the first conversations I had with her when I moved in involved her explaining to me why I should cut down all of the trees in my yard. The tallest greenery in her yard is grass. The only greenery in her yard is grass. She doesn't even mow it herself, she has a service.
I declined to remove my trees telling her that I liked trees, that they provide homes for the birds, shade in the summer, sucked up carbon dioxide and pollutants and gave us back oxygen. She was not impressed.
The summer before we took down the Normandy poplars, I walked into my back yard one afternoon and realized immediately that there was a strange man up in the locust tree. Scared the beejeebers out of me. But I've never been called a coward, a fool, yes, a coward never, so I puffed myself up, strode over to the tree he was lurking in and said in my biggest voice (and let me tell you, I know how to project), "Who the hell are you and what are you doing in my tree?"
Scared him so badly he almost fell out of the tree.
With lots of stammering and gesticulating at the house next door, he explained to me that that neighbor had hired him to cut off any limbs that hung over her property line. I pointed out that he was in my tree, on my property and that unless he got himself back over the property line it was within my rights to call the cops on him for trespassing.
He fled back to the other side of the fence leaving a badly chopped up tree behind him.
The next summer that neighbor went after the neighbor behind her. She topped all the trees in the row of scrub oak he had shading his ball court. I'd never seen a more pathetic row of trunks cut off at head height without a branch left on them.
The summer after that I saw as I was pulling into my driveway that half of my big pine tree was gone. It looked like someone had stood on a very tall ladder right up against the fence and taken off every branch that could be reached by chainsaw. It was a mess of stubs and snags and broken branches hanging every which way. The neighbor on the other side of her had three huge pines that had received the same treatment. She had also taken out a small copse of scrub oak on his property.
The tree guy who had removed my Normandy poplars the previous summer is really good. He managed to save my pine tree. It even looks pretty darn good from my yard. The other side neighbor's trees were goners, though, and had to be taken down. I talked to the good neighbor about womanslaughter or possible legal action. He said no, that we still had to live next door to her and if we got her really ticked off there was no telling what she might do.
I hate to admit it, but he's right.
I can fantasize though. Oh, can I fantasize. And I invite anyone with evil juicy revenge ideas to pass them along. I won't do them, but I will enjoy thinking about them, the more grotesque, the better.
Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp...