The Phone Switch

What I want to know is who is in charge of wiring the switch for the telephone and how he knows where to put it.

Seems like every time I'm in an awkward position, say crawled up under my desk fiddling with wires and cables, the phone rings. Since, inevitably, one of the wires I've just disconnected is the phone wire -- and I dropped it behind something large and heavy when startled by the ring -- I not only have to extricate myself from the tangle of wires under the desk, I have to get myself into the Engineer's office and climb over his crap (oh, no, I can't call it that) his valuable papers, only to have whoever was on the other end hang up just as I get the receiver to my ear. Since I probably bumped either my head or my funny bone on the way out from under my desk, it's a good thing that the watching cat does not speak English.

If the Engineer is home, he always answers the phone. Unless I'm in the awkward position and assume he will. Then it rings until the caller gets bored and hangs up. Five seconds later, the Engineer bounds up to me wanting to know who called.

This is not nearly as bad as when he answers it, it's for me, and I'm in the awkward position.

What part of the bathroom door shut and the shower on does he not understand?

Take a message for heck sake!

Or I'm kneading bread dough. Why does he try to hand me the phone?

Take a message!

And why on earth did the phone switch guy build one into the toilet seat? And how can it sense when I've gotten all settled for some quality bathroom time? This usually happens when I'm getting ready to head out for an appointment. Gotta answer it because it might be a call from the person I'm meeting.

The Engineer seems to think I should carry the phone into the bathroom with me every time -- just in case.

Frankly, there are some things I'm just not comfortable talking on the phone while doing. If I'm covered with soap and shampoo, it might be detrimental to the continued functioning of the phone to pick it up and hold it to my lathered head. (Bet that's not what you were thinking...)

Another thing I hate is when the Engineer calls me on my cell phone. Or, "My Leash", as I, oh so fondly, call it.

If I don't hear it immediately and retrieve it from my purse within two or three rings, he hangs up then calls back almost faster than the speed of light. Repeatedly. Despite the fact that I've told him many times that he jams up my phone for outgoing and incoming calls when he does it. Then he gets PO'ed with me because I didn't answer.

So if you know the guy who wires the phone switches, send me his name and address.

I've got a baseball bat I'd like him to become intimately acquainted with.