Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The Y Chromosome

First we need to get the vocabulary straight. The hoo-hoo, as I found out about a week ago, is the female particular part. That means that the male particular part must be the ha-ha, because when you put the hoo-hoo and the ha-ha together you get a whole lot of hooha.

Now that we have our terms of reference, let's get on with the story.

I was in a hardware store this afternoon to buy some paint. As I was reading the back of the label, the good ol' boy clerk came up to me. "What can I help you with, little lady," he asked.

I said, "I need to paint my office. I'd like one gallon of flat latex and one gallon of gloss oil in Dove White and two gallons of eggshell latex in Bird's Egg."

"Mmm, hmmm," he said, "did you have someone measure your office for you."

I said, "The can says it covers 400 square feet, so that should be about right."

"Well, now, you really should have someone measure that office for you and figure out just how much you need because when you're getting custom colors you should get it all mixed at once."

"Yes sir, I know that, that's what I'm asking for."

"You really should have someone measure it for you, then we can figure out how much you need here."

I said, "I need four gallons, two white, two blue."

He raised a superior male eyebrow at me as if to say, "yeah, right."

Why is it that some men think a Y chromosome is required to do anything that doesn't involve kitchens, bare feet or kids? Why do they think with their ha-ha's? We women certainly don't think with our hoo-hoo's (at least not usually and not past a certain age.) I know which end of a hammer to hold onto and I know how to figure paint. Sometimes I forget how to hold on to my temper, however.

I looked him straight in the eye and said, "The office is approximately 12 feet by twelve feet, which means the ceiling is 144 square feet. If a can of paint covers 400 square feet it will do two coats on the ceiling.

"There are four walls, each approximately 12 feet by 8 feet high. Two doors, a six foot closet and a six by four foot window, which, all together, I figure equals about one wall.

"Each wall is 96 square feet, I need to paint three walls, that makes 288 square feet. Let's round that up to 300 square feet to be on the safe side. Two coats makes 600 square feet. A can covers 400 square feet, I need one and a half gallons of blue paint. You sell paint in gallons, so I need two gallons. With that much paint, I can repaint the inside of the closet too if I so choose.

"The oil base gloss is for the trim. The doors are varnished wood.

"I need two gallons of eggshell latex in Bird's Egg, one gallon of flat latex in Dove White and one gallon of gloss oil in Dove White."

I leaned forward and raised my eyebrows right back at him.

He stood there gaping at me for a minute, then gave a shake of his head that said, "Women!" but he mixed my paint without further argument.

Men of the world, I am making an announcement. A ha-ha is not required to paint a room. You can't hold the brush with it. You can't think any logical thoughts with it. Frankly, I'm glad I don't have one, I much prefer having a hoo-hoo.

And that's enough hooha for today.

Writing the blog entry was a challenge tonight. The power kept going off. Not just my house, the whole neighborhood. But having a hoo-hoo, I took the easy way out and saved frequently so I didn't have to start from scratch each time.

1 comment:

bioephemera said...

This is SO familiar. After finally deciding to quit my job and get the heck out of hicksville, I was in the process of emptying my storage unit. I was manouvering a large chest of drawers, which I had previously moved three times, alone, in my hatchback. The manager of the storage unit came out of his office, grabbed the cart from me, immobilizing it, and said "I'll get this. You go unlock your car now." I tried to be polite, I tried to be firm; after a few minutes I realized the man was too stupid to give up without me slapping his face, and I really didn't want to initiate physical contact between us.

So I just clenched my teeth and followed his "orders." Of course he damaged the chest in the process of roughly jamming it into the car, and smashed some other things that were already loaded. Not that he noticed. Let's face it, people with "ha-ha"s don't always have a lot of finesse or patience in the tight insertion department.